12/16/2008

creating my own monster

I have a few things I want to blog about, but most of that will have to wait until this evening. I'm starting a blog schedule, special blogs for certain days, more public weigh-ins and food journaling mostly for my own good. :)

I went to the dentist this morning and it wasn't so bad after all. I've been harboring incredibly insane thoughts about this tooth for a year now. I went to the denist from hell in September of 2007, at the Fulton mall in Brooklyn. At the time I didn't know any better. If you've ever been to the Fulton mall in Brooklyn, you know what I mean.

Needless to say I pointed at a tooth that was bothering me, the dentist slapped a filling over it and the tooth bothered me even more ever since. I dreaded going back and then lost my insurance and then the filling broke off a day ago while eating popcorn and was wedged between two teeth.

I dreaded going this morning because of the cost without insurance, because it was a new dentist and because of the pain. In reality, I don't really enjoy going to any doctor because of my deep fear that they will blame all of my ailments on my weight.

I went to a nurse practitioner a few years ago because of an ingrown toenail (gross), she gave me an antibiotic and when it didn't heal on its own she suggested I get checked for diabetes and advised I go to counseling for diabetic treatment. Eventually she made an appointment for me to have half of the toenail removed, I did, it hurt, but then miraculously it healed. Very quickly. And I didn't have diabetes, I was just fat.

Every time I go to the doctor and they do my blood pressure they always say "I'm surprised its normal". Thanks.

Its not that I care if a doctor wants to talk about my weight, I talk about it all the time. I know the horrible effects that extra weight has on my body, but sometimes I just want to not have that fear in my head. Will they judge me because of my weight?

And this all goes back to yet another reason why being fat isn't fun. Everyday situations are much more stressful: fitting in airplane seats, going to the doctor, riding on a roller coaster...whatever it is I always play the mental game of worse case scenario.

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15 Comments:

Blogger Roder said...

I totally understand your fear of how your weight affects what should be everyday things, like getting a booth at a restaurant. How I used to dread going to lunch with co-workers - would I fit at the table of wherever we were headed? Ugh. So tough.

2:14 PM  
Anonymous Brandy said...

I feel your anxiety!! I too am over weight and also get the same kind of reactions like oh you have normal blood pressure or you don't have diabetes?! Like just because i'm over weight I am suppose to have a million things wrong with me. No really I just like to eat and i'm a bit lazy is all! LOL In another light it is also a motivation to be a healthier person!

6:03 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

I know what you mean too. I always thought vacations were really difficult. I remember having to get on a relatively small boat in Mexico and worrying about tipping it over as I stepped in. These are things "normal" sized people probably never even think about. I can't believe anyone has said they're surprised your blood pressure is normal!

7:38 PM  
Blogger Losing Waist! said...

I am going back to school in January and I am terrified of not fitting in the desks/seats! It is pretty scary but it is kind of sad too. I would rather have other things on my mind concerning school... not if I fit in the desks or not-

I know that my weight comes up in almost every part of my life. I am ready for it NOT to be such a big deal, all the time.

7:50 PM  
Blogger Webgrrl74 said...

Just came across your blog.
I get the feeling of worry or dread anytime you need to consider "what if I don't fit".

It's horrible. I am also going to embark on a better routine. (My issue is that I am horribly lazy*L*) So...go us! I'm glad I came upon your blog and will check back a lot.

By the way..your style is way cute! Love the beret! :)

2:51 AM  
Blogger Hanlie said...

My blood pressure also used to be normal despite my weight, but when I hit my mid-thirties things just started to deteriorate. Well done for taking care of your weight before it becomes that much of a problem!

I'm always dismayed that our society blames our poor health on our weight, when it's actually our eating habits, addiction to nutrient-poor foods and lack of physical activity that are to blame. Fat is just a symptom, and you don't have to be fat to be in poor health.

3:06 AM  
Blogger Chews to Lose said...

I can so sympathize with you. I think I'm a little more extreme. I stopped living my life because of this weight. I won't go to a restaurant unless I know they have tables. Everyone who goes out with me knows we have to ask to be seated at a table. I haven't flown since I needed to ask for an extender. I haven't been to an amusement park in over 10 years, the beach is a joke. I went to a doctor for some "female issues" and she said that they all stemmed from me being fat. And she said it just like that. I left there never wanting to see another doctor. It's so hard to be fat - and yet everyday I choose this life. I'm working on it though.

8:20 AM  
Blogger healthymahma said...

Thank you for your honesty! It takes alot of courage and is really inspiring! I have enjoyed looking at your blog! I have been doing a health challenge the last six weeks on my blog and have lost 11 pounds so far.

my blog is: http://www.healthymahma.blogspot.com

I would love you to check it out!

My website is: http://www.cinchplan.com/heatherdoyle

I look forward to future posts! I am going to "follow" your blog and link to some of your posts, if that is okay!!

11:40 AM  
Anonymous Mike said...

Hi,
Wow, I know how you feel. I want to ask a big favor from you. Please stop stressing. I found out that was one of my biggest obstacles in getting healthy. It took me many years to find that out. Stress is your enemy. Mindset is so important to good health. Next comes knowing about nutrition and especially your bodies metabolism and how it works. Good health is so important, as you know those doctor bills aren't cheap and bad health only causes stress, and stress causes bad health. I lost 53 lbs this year so far by just telling myself that I am going to enjoy my life, do the best I can when it comes to eating the right foods, with some exercise, and not sweating minor things I can change or fix. You can fix your minor issues. Don't make a big deal out of them because you know what you want to fix, and you can do it. Healthy foods, and tone your body with some kind of exercise you enjoy. Look into yoga. I love you girl. You have a big heart and lots to look forward to. You are perfect now and will become more perfect later. Have a great life and I'll be looking forward to seeing your accomplishments later. P. S. Don't eat popcorn. Those corn husk things caused me gum and tooth problems too.

12:14 PM  
Blogger healthymahma said...

Weird, I actually just got over some gum problems due to popcorn also! I have eaten popcorn for YEARS and never have had any problems! I love popcorn, but am going to have to stop eating it so much!

3:51 PM  
Anonymous Babycakes said...

I like what Mike wrote - so true, stressing does make things worse, hard not to get anxious about things though - like squeezing/fitting into a bridesmaid dress and wondering if any of your not so nice relatives are going to say anything!

4:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its all so true. I'm so glad you voiced it. No one whom isn't overweight understands the constant "worst case scenario" mentality. I feel like my entire life I've been told, "its only your weight that will hold you back" and its a self-fulfilling prophecy.

1:53 AM  
Anonymous Jen said...

Hi I just came across your blog. Your posts touched me. I know lots of fluffy folks who put off visiting people who love them. Please, please don't. Life is too short. If it helps your readers, I sell airplane extenders so you don't have to ask for one on the plane. Take care and good luck!

4:15 PM  
Blogger Perfectlychic said...

I can totally relate to the airplane thing! I'm always feeling like I'm "falling" into someone else's seat-- and always scared my seat belt wont fit.. thankfully I've never had to use an extension.. but it really is a wake up call for me! I'd like to one day be able to ride in the plane and feel like I have some extra room in a coach seat!

11:58 AM  
Blogger Perfectlychic said...

oh yeah one other thing! I was 99% sure I had mono a couple of years ago in college-- I was tired... really tired... and achy-- I wasn't hungry-- I was breaking out in hives-- and I was sweating profusely all the time. When I went into the campus ER I told the nurse all of my symptoms and she basically told me since "classes had just started up" she knew I was probably just sweaty because I wasn't used to physical activity-- like walking to classes... I was so insulted especially since this was right after I just lost 30 lbs... used to working out for an hour at a time.. but all she saw was my "fat" and made assumptions that I was just lazy and out of shape.-- it was her that ended up calling me literally an hour after I left and told me I did have Mono and it was pretty extreme because it normally takes them 2 days to get the test results back.

12:02 PM  

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